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Oct 02 2013

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Confession

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I had asked my nephew Drake for some ideas on what he’d like to see covered at BigCalfGuy.  He wanted to know how I find the time to do all the things I do, and I admit to doing a lot.  That got me thinking.  Time management and multi-tasking is fun, but nobody cares to hear about that.  I started wondering why I do the things I do, which got a little deeper.  That’s when I realized it:

I am scared to death!

Much of what I do is motivated by fear.  Not only that, I’m flat out afraid most of the time.  I never even realized it until last night.

I am afraid that Jake will not be cared for properly after I die.  I have no idea who to “leave him with” once we pass.  Beth’s and my parents are getting older by the minute, and his needs will outlive all of us.

I am afraid that moving back home to our tiny little town to be with family for Jake was the wrong plan.  What services or professionals are we missing out on being so far removed from the city?

I am afraid of the influence in our small town for my kids, especially the tender-hearted Olivia, and the naive and eager-to-please Gabriel.  Recently, the man across the street was publicly up-in-arms because his marijuana had been stolen, and yesterday there were two police cars at a house down the block for a couple of hours.

I’m afraid that when someone offers my kids drugs or booze or sex, they’ll make the wrong choice, just to be “popular.”

I am afraid my blog, which I see as not only a means to educate the world about our family (and autism in particular), but a means to eventually bring in enough income to let me quit my weekend job, will fail to do either.

I’m afraid that my children will grow up to not “know” their father, because I work almost every day of the year.

I’m afraid that though more and more people turn to us as “autism experts,” we’ll give someone the wrong answer and they’ll realize that just like them, we don’t know what the hell we’re doing, and are only doing the best we can with what we have.

I’m afraid of letting people down.

I’m afraid of next year when Beth’s grant funding runs out and she loses her job; though our student loans will keep coming in with scary regularity.

I’m afraid that if I don’t get involved and educated, who will make the important decisions for our town and our school?  All evil needs to succeed is for a few good men to do nothing.

I’m afraid that my part time job will dry up and I won’t be able to provide for my family.  When there’s a chance to work – I take it. I’m blessed to have two jobs when so many people don’t have one.

I’m afraid that the burden of raising a special-needs child, on top of financial insecurity, and the stress of living in an ever-shrinking town, where “staying employed” is the new raise – will put stress on my marriage, and that our strong foundation will crumble.  I’m afraid of divorce.  It runs in my family.

I’m afraid of the things we could be doing for Jake “right now” if only we knew what they were, had the time or the money or the support system to pull them off.  Is settling for OK every really OK when it comes to your child?

I guess that’s it.  Those reasons are the big reasons that I do what I do.  My family is my “why.”  I do everything I can to keep my fears at bay; everything I can to keep these things from happening.  I want to be able to look at my children and honestly tell them that I did everything I could.

Oh yeah, I am also afraid of spiders!

 

 

 

 

About the author

BigCalfGuy

BigCalfGuy

I am a 38 year old, married, father of three amazing children; one of whom has autism. I fancy myself as more Atticus Finch than Holden Caulfield. Dynamite with a laser beam.

Permanent link to this article: http://www.bigcalfguy.com/confession/

2 comments

  1. Donna Colford

    We all need to stop and think about what we fear. Thank you for making me stop and think.

  2. Christie

    tears and ultimate pride. Ultimate!!!!!

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