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Mar 23 2014

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Ryan Sucks

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Is your name Ryan?

No?

Then you might not fully understand.

No matter how clearly I feel I’ve enunciated my name when we first meet, you will think my name is Brian.  Brian’s a real name.  A familiar name.  Not Ryan.

In all fairness to my mother, she was expecting a girl (as the story goes) who would be named Renee.  When it was discovered that Renee was a boy – Ryan was born.

It usually goes something like this:

Hi, I’m Ryan

Brian?

No, Ryan

Oh, sorry Ron (or Ray) (or Kevin, that one time)

See? Ryan sucks.

Ryan wouldn’t be that bad if there were a bunch of other, really cool Ryans out there; but there aren’t.  Maybe Ryan Gosling, but how are you going to compete with that?  In fact, my full name is Ryan Whitehouse, which is doubly crappy for two reasons:

1. I live in a gray house, and grew up in a red one.

2. That poor kid Ryan White who had and died of AIDS

I’ve always wanted a cool nickname, too.  Never happened.  Ry doesn’t count.  Ask any Steven if Steve is a good enough nickname – it’s not.

There was a kid in elementary school named Cameron, who kids went before and had great names bestowed upon them: Paco, Swivel, etc.  I never got the chance.

There’s a buddy of mine who calls me Gigantor, presumably because I’m thick.  It’s pretty cool, but he’s the only one.  A girl at a nursing home I work at used to call me “That Big Calf Guy” until she learned my name, so that’s awesome because blogs don’t name themselves – but nobody calls me that anymore.

If I had to choose a new name, I’m not sure what I’d pick.  Something many and perhaps monosylabic.  Something like Jack. Something like Phil.  When you introduce yourself as Phil, people know who they’re talking to.

Am I the only one who doesn’t like their name?

Anybody out there have a non-nickname-able name? 

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?

Worse, anybody have a terrible nickname they wish they could get out of?

About the author

BigCalfGuy

BigCalfGuy

I am a 38 year old, married, father of three amazing children; one of whom has autism. I fancy myself as more Atticus Finch than Holden Caulfield. Dynamite with a laser beam.

Permanent link to this article: http://www.bigcalfguy.com/ryan-sucks/

22 comments

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  1. Dawn Pray

    My grandmother was Cecile. Love it as a female name…interesting. My middle name, Celine, is part Cecile and Pauline (godmother)

    1. BigCalfGuy
      BigCalfGuy

      Oops! Typo. Cecil Arthur Whitehouse. Not Cecile.

  2. Dawn Pray

    No nickname for Dawn… Do u know how many people spell it Don? I’m named after my grandfather, my parents didn’t have an ultrasound so I was Dawn/Donald either way. My poor brother was thought to be a girl, Lauren, but thankfully my mom and dad decided to go with Ross and put his middle name as Melvin- it was almost the other way around.

    I like family names, that have meaning. If I ever have kids, I plan to do something from the family…

    1. BigCalfGuy
      BigCalfGuy

      Family names are both a blessing and a curse. My grandfathers were Ernest (Ernie) and Cecile. Ugh.

      1. BigCalfGuy
        BigCalfGuy

        That being said, my grandmother is Olivia, and you know how fond I am of that name. 😉

  3. Kim Davis

    Ok. No nick name for Kim which is short for Kimberly. Growing up in MA people couldn’t spell the full name because we don’t pronounce the “r” so often things had to be corrected. Now most of the older people can’t hear me and call me Tim. Even repeating it and them looking at me they still want to call me Tim. I don’t look like a Tim. I gave up with my husbands grandfather who always called me Tim when I was on the phone. I gave up my maiden name because Davis is far easier to spell and pronounce. Plus it was long enough to run out of space on some computer and other form like documents. Most legal stuff came through as Descoteaux, Kimber because there weren’t enough spaces. So, I like your name. Ryan is a good easy name to get and Whitehouse at least sounds like something people can relate to so the can spell it. If they wanted my last name I would tell them to spell it how they could say it or use my first name as that is much easier. See you this weekend 😉

    1. BigCalfGuy
      BigCalfGuy

      Descoteaux? Wow! Good one. I completely agree that you DO NOT look like a Tim!

  4. Wanda Bourgeois

    Wanda polish first name french last name that’s hard to pronounce. when I was a kid there was a hairspray commercial about an ugly witch named Wanda who used her magic hair spray to get beautiful hair the witch part stuck otherwise no nick names. My dad would spell our last name phonetically Bourgeois (real) his spelling “Bushwa” my daughter in high school got nick named “Bougie” .

    1. BigCalfGuy
      BigCalfGuy

      In my mind (which I assume comes from Mom), your last name is pronounced Burgess. Is that right? Did you ever get any “Fish Called Wanda” teasing?

      1. Wanda Bourgeois

        Ya I got the fish jokes and when your Mom & I met my grandfather had tried to make the name more American and pronounced it Burgess then I had to spell & correct spelling then my generation cousins decided to pronounce it correct (French – Canadian) Boushwa you gargle the
        ou LOL tell Mom its ok if she still calls me Burgess I will answer

        1. BigCalfGuy
          BigCalfGuy

          I’ll tell her. I’d have gone with “Boushwa” if asked. Names get pronounced very differently depending on where you are in Maine. It’s quite French near Canada, pretty English in the middle of the state, and then a weird Franco-slang in our French cities like Lewiston or Biddeford. Cloutier can go from Cloo-tea-ay to Cloo-tea-er to Cloo-chi in the course of a couple hundred miles. Weird.

  5. Vince Staples

    have to say Ryan pre high school I was always called ny my middle name Dale I was called it as a child and so on I grew to hate it and well unless you like dale the whale not many nick names with that the funny thing was that on the first day of school the teacher was adressing me By my first name and I was looking for my dad because I didnt know that that was my name because my parrents and family had always called me by my middle name so in high school I was much perfering my first name and nick names like vin or vinnie or vince but hey if you remember that Cameron fella had nick names for everyone lol

    1. BigCalfGuy
      BigCalfGuy

      I always wondered why Beth called you Dale. You were always Vinnie to me. Thanks for sharing!

  6. Jan

    I hate Jan. Not Janet, which I hardly ever intro myself as. Its Jan. I get Jane? No, Jan. Or I say Janet and I get Jeanette (DEF not my name!). I do think its my accent that makes it worse and I do work to get that French accent out of my voice, but darn it! Je suis Acadian!

    The other fun part was I got called Jan the Man in school (those who did promptly were beaten up by me or my best friend, Jason). Or Janet the Planet (those people were also dealt with accordingly). I’ve no clue what I’d change my name too. And had we had kids, we would have been uber careful about names.

    PS: My nephew’s name is Ryan and we have a Rhys (and everyone spells it Reece, blah)
    Jan recently posted…Up CloseMy Profile

    1. BigCalfGuy
      BigCalfGuy

      I was three days convincing myself your name was Janet, not Jeanette. The French certainly hinders understanding to my poor English/Irish ears, LOL!

      1. Jan

        A friend of mine, from the Boston area, said “You should go by Jay, because your Jan sounds like Jane and your Janet sounds like Jeanette”. Maybe I”ll take her advice 🙂

        1. BigCalfGuy
          BigCalfGuy

          True story.

  7. Theresa

    Theresa. How would you like be calling there sa, tree tree, and when I say my name on the phone they think it’s Tracey. My last name, maiden name, Hardy. I have 2 bros so I got called nancy Drew and the hardy boys. The only reason I wouldn’t change my first name is cause I’m named after my gram. My current nickname is Newfie. Mainly cause my dads a Newfie. Me, there was 3 Theresa’s working on the floor at the hospital and hence forth Newfie. Most of the docs know me by this then my real name. I do like the names Bailey and Bree

    1. BigCalfGuy
      BigCalfGuy

      I love Newfie! It’s a great nickname.

  8. Christie

    Renee would have not been a good name for you… My wonderful college room-mate suggested Ryan 2nd to our Irish heritage…. I’ve always loved your name, and you !

  9. Kurt Lyons

    No you are not Gigantor. When i call and order pizza and tell them Kurt Lyons, as slowky and clearly as possible. I go to pick it up and they always have it under Steve Williams. How doea that eve happen?

    1. BigCalfGuy
      BigCalfGuy

      I’m often asked how to spell Whitehouse over the phone. I always tell them it’s just like where the president lives. Seems to work!

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